My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I have post one night stand depression
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