We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
