Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
