So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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