i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
