he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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