i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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