i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
