im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
