Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Randomize
