Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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