remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I just gargled with NyQuil
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
