No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
