i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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