So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
