Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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