it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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