Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
