my room smells like sperm. sweet.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
