are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
she woke up with a sticky ear
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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