No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
