Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
