literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
