I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
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