we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Randomize
