Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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