Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
