my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
