yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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