worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
