Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
