Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
