You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
