The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
