Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
