When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
