The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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