Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
