U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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