I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
