she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
