she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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