I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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