When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
We left the knife in your bed.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
