11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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