before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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