"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
It's official drugs can't kill me
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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