My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Still dying that you shit outside
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
