i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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