i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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