Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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