what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Are my feet made of real feet?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
